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Not Sure

I don’t know what I am doing half the time. You don’t know what you are doing half the time. See how easy that is. We really are all very similar and doesn’t it feel good to be in company of people just as confused with life as you. Now go walk outside, go to a mall, go to school, go to work and again you have just surrounded yourself with people that are sitting in our beautiful confused boat. It surrounds us and I believe it is exactly how it’s meant to be.

As kids we looked up to our parents, you think they knew what they were doing? Most of them were 10 plus years younger than I am right now, shoot thinking about me as a parent at that age scares me for all of you. We looked at our parents as untouchable, nothing they said or did could be wrong. How wrong those little innocent kids were. My parents don’t know how to deal with an adult child that has cancer, but through this journey they will learn, and I will learn from them, for my children.

It is also ok not to learn from a situation and just allow it to take hold of that moment in time. We may not know how to approach the situation, and, like I said most of the time we don’t know what we are doing or how we should act, but that may be the best place to be. Mindless confusion can be a blessing. You see, a lot of times we search too hard for an answer. An answer as to what should we say, how we should act, or what is the next move. What if there is no right answer and you are wasting your time because it’s just not that important. I will go a little off topic here but it ties back, well in my head it ties back, but then again, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.

Today has been a tough day for many people close to me. A true Texas legend was called to action by God and unfortunately for our selfish human minds, we are saddened that his time with us physically has ended. Well it ended because we won the Superbowl. After you win tremendously, the physicality of the game is over, and you have the blessing to remember it in your mind forever, you cherish it and you cherish every moment of that season or superbowl party or anything else of relevance to getting to that final winning moment. Damn does it feel good to think about each step it took to WIN. Each conversation, each drink, each dinner, each dorm room shenanigan, each Garba night, each night hanging with the family, each moment that led you to the final WIN. Well friends, your friend and family member left us winning in every way possible. The steps he took for that final win are items from a special person that understood his purpose, which from my relationship was to simply live for others and see them smile. Well guess what, we are gonna be selfish again, this time he wants us to be, and instead of making us smile we expect him to be smiling looking over us, he already is btw. (the word ‘final’ is only to see if you thought what I did, there is no final win if friends and family carry on the legacy, you just stack up more Superbowl wins).

This is where I act like I knew I was going to tie this back. One point I am making here is that many times we don’t know what to say or how to act. That’s OK. When you heard I have cancer, I laughed at half of you cause I saw how you were struggling with figuring out how to approach me. I should have stepped in and said its cool to say whatever the hell you feel and want, but I liked watching you uncomfortably figure out for yourself that I was still the same and most of you immediately went back to complete normalcy.

Today many of my friends attended a funeral. Yes you are not alone, NO ONE knows what to say or how to act in these situations. It’s completely OK, and it’s not that important. Say what you want, act how you want, laugh and talk loudly about good times, cry and speak softly about the good times. Wear a suit and tie, wear jeans and the jersey of yall’s favorite Superbowl team. You see its just not that important. What is important, is to do what you feel it right, that’s it, simply. The most important item for that moment is to remember the reason you are there and let that moment be.

My original post and common thread since has been finding that inner strength we all have. Today is one of those days for many of us. Do not worry for your friend, instead grow stronger with him and his family every day. I truly believe that would mean a lot to him, the same way it should to us. NEVER let a tough situation take you down. Take your time to be emotional and cope, but always understand that you are allotting yourself just that time period and after your choice is to move forward in a positive way and full of happiness and content.

The ARMY fights on.

Love y’all


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